Guy and a Guy

“Aww, nooooooo,” Will groaned as my car passed the finish line once again. “I was so close.”

“Ha, yeah right,” I said. “Just admit I’m the reigning champ. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

“You only won twice! Rematch, rematch—”

I munched on a potato chip. “Fine. Loser pays for pizza.”

“Deal.”

I let him choose the track this time. He turned up the volume on his computer as the countdown started. We barely finished the first lap before his sister barged into the room.

“Can you keep it down?” Gemma said. “I can hear you from down the hall.”

Will held up a hand, not taking his eyes off the screen. “Then just close the door.”

“You know the rules. Door stays open when a girlfriend’s over.”

“I’ve never even had a girlfriend before,” Will said with a roll of his eyes. He pointed to me. “It’s just Ben.”

“Yeah, and she’s a girl.”

My grip on the controller tightened.

“So?” Will said. “We’re just friends.”

Gemma laughed haughtily. “Yeah, okay.”

I missed a power up. “Why’d you say it like that?”

“Girls and guys can’t just be friends,” Gemma said. “One of them always ends up falling for the other.”

“Pfft, like I’d ever fall for Will,” I said, keeping my tone light to hide the sticky discomfort. “He hates ketchup chips. That’s a dealbreaker.”

“Mm.” She flicked the light switch on and off a few times.

“Leave us alone, Gemma,” Will said. “And close the door on the way out. Mom’s not even here.”

“Right, which means I’m in charge. You can close the door when you start hanging out with actual boys your age instead of a girl who dresses like one.”

“Fuck off, Gemma!” Will yelled. 

She shrugged and walked away. My car crashed into an obstacle and spun off the track. Will pulled ahead of me, and won by a few seconds.

“YES!” Will threw his arms in the air. “Finally! Beat your ass.”

“Oh. Yeah, good job, man.”

Will popped a chip into his mouth. “You okay?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Damn, didn’t think you’d be a sore loser.”

“What? No, it’s not that—”

“I know.” He smirked, then set down his controller. “Is it what Gemma said? You know she’s only joking.”

My thumb tapped against the x button.

“Oh, shit,” he said. “It does bother you, doesn’t it?”

“No, it’s just… she’s kind of right, though,” I said, seeing the opportunity I’d been waiting for all week. “It is sort of hard for girls and guys to be friends. I mean, I guess it works in some cases but that’s not really our case.”

He looked at me with a kind of panicked expression. “What do you mean?”

Because we’re not a girl and a guy, I tried saying, my heart racing like that car on the screen. We’re a guy and a guy. 

I wanted to tell him. I promised myself I would. But how could I? We’d been inseparable since kindergarten. As far as he knew, he grew up with a tomboy, not a boy boy—would he even believe the truth? Sure, he handled my autism diagnosis well, but this felt much bigger. 

“I don’t know how to say this,” I muttered. I fought the urge to close my eyes. I could do this.

Will scratched his chin. When I failed to continue, he stood up and grabbed our empty pop cans.

“I’m getting a refill,” he said. “You want anything?”

“Uh… sure?”

“Ginger ale or root beer?”

“Just water, if that’s okay.”

He nodded and left the room. I inhaled deeply, filling my skull with as much oxygen as possible, but the dizziness remained as I rehearsed the words in my head; Will, I have something to tell you, I’d say, then he’d say what is it? then I’d say you know what transgender means, right? then he’d say…

I flapped my hands and pulled the collar of my shirt over my nose. Why couldn’t I predict Will’s response? My gaze found the window; from this angle, a crack in the curtains revealed the treehouse in Will’s backyard—the one dubbed property of William and Bernadette.  My eyes felt sweaty. 

“Here’s your water.”

Will set a glass on the side table next to me. My throat was dry, but I couldn’t reach for the cup. I sat back up, crossing my legs. I can do this.

“Will, I—”

“Actually, we could use some more chips. Be right back.”

“Will!” I stood up before he could leave the room. “Why do you keep running away?”

“I’m not running away.”

“Yes, you are. Every time I start talking you just leave.”

“I only did it twice!” 

“Which is two more than normal! What’s going on?”

He leaned against the wall. “I just don’t want you to say what you’re about to say.”

I looked at the floor. Did he already know? Was he not okay with it? Was me coming out going to ruin everything?

“No, don’t…don’t be sad,” he said. He walked over and put his hands on the sides of my shoulders. “You’re a great girl and all, I just don’t see you that way.”

“Whoa, what?” I pushed him off me. “You think I like you?”

“Is that not—that’s not what’s happening?”

“No!”

“Oh, thank fuck.” He flopped on the bed and rolled over. “Gemma got in my head. Sorry, what did you wanna tell me?” 

I swallowed, and sank into Will’s gaming chair. Come on, Ben. Spit it out.

"Girls and guys can be friends," I said. "But that’s not us. Because you're not friends with a girl."

He stared at me blankly.

I hugged my hands across my chest. "I’m not a girl.”

Will’s lips parted slightly, but no words fell out. He turned his head away from me, his eyes moving back and forth like a computer processing a request. The longer he was silent, the less confident I felt. 

“So, you’re a dude? Or like… non-binary?” he finally said.

“The first one.”

“Ah. Okay, okay. Cool, cool.”

With a bobbing chin, he blinked a few times. Then he yawned, stretched, and leaned back on the bed with his hands behind his neck.

“Huh, well what do you know,” he said. “Turns out I am friends with a guy my age.”

I took a sip of water to cool the heartburn. “Does that mean you’re fine with it?”

“Oh, it’s better than fine! Maybe now people will finally stop thinking we’re dating!”

“Here’s hoping,” I said with a relieved laugh. I picked up my controller. “Rematch?”

Will woke up the monitor. “Best three out of five?”

“You’re on.”

“Prepare to be buying pizza.”