Riley and the Robot

I stared at the plate my dad gave me about ten minutes ago. I wasn't in the mood to eat. I wasn't even in the mood to try.

I pushed my dinner away to the far end of my desk and picked up a pencil. Might as well be productive, right? I should probably get started on my homework. I was behind by at least a week. I reached into my bag and pulled out a biology worksheet, even though biology was the reason I couldn’t bring myself to leave my room beyond lectures.

“Tobes, what’s autoimmunity?” I asked the little glass robot on my desk.

“Autoimmunity. When the immune system targets healthy cells within an organism,” he answered.

“Right.” I marked that down beside the question. “What’s encephalitis?” 

“Encephalitis. A medical condition where the brain is inflamed.”

Before I could ask about arthritis, Tobes held an arm out and scanned my paper.

“You are doing homework. Leena has instructed me to not participate.”

I scoffed. “Seriously?”

Leena’s little invention had been my saving grace since the start of term, but she must have caught on to what I'd been doing and applied new restrictions somehow. My sister was insistent that I only use Tobes for scheduling and general questions, and not use it to cheat. 

I sat back in my chair. “Tobes, what does my schedule look like tomorrow?”

“You have school from 8:00am to 3:00pm, homework from 4:00pm to 6:00pm, and dinner at 7:00pm.”

“Since when do I schedule time for homework?” I asked.

“Leena made some adjustments.”

“She can do that? All the way from her lab?”

“My software is connected to the internet. Leena has access to my database.”

“That seems like an invasion of privacy.”

“Correct, it is.”

I sighed. I knew Leena was just trying to keep me on track, but it was beyond annoying.

Tobes scanned the rest of my desk. I watched as a stream of light flashed over my keyboard, my uneaten dinner, and my array of broken pencils.

“Why have you not eaten, Riley?” he asked.

“How can you… what the fuck.”

"This is the third time you have refused a meal this week. Your loss of appetite indicates something is wrong. Are you feeling unwell?"

"Uh. No? Yeah, no. I'm great."

A small beeping noise came from Tobes. He flashed red for a second.

"That is untrue. You are not great."

Damn it. Leena installed a lie detector.

"Yeah, well,” I said. “There’s nothing you can do. You’re a robot.”

"Correct. But I can offer suggestions.”

"I don't want your help, okay? I’m fine. Go to sleep.”

Tobes powered off. I went across the hall to the bathroom, where the lights went on automatically. I clicked “35° Celsius” on the keypad beside the sink, turned on the tap, washed my face, then double-tapped the glass frame above the basin. The mirror appeared, and I stared at my reflection with angry eyes.

I could see the queasiness on my face, but I couldn’t see a solution. I couldn’t even figure out what I wanted to see. I wasn’t fully a guy, but I wasn’t not a guy… kind of like a non-binary boy, if that made sense.

This was why I hadn’t come out yet. I’d spent two years consumed by this confusion, unsure how to explain myself, uncertain if I’d arrived at the right conclusion. How was I supposed to tell people who I was when it still wasn’t clear to me?

I walked back to my room and flopped onto my bed. I was tempted to ask Tobes for advice, but I was afraid Leena could see my search history. I always got all my internet-immersion done at school through an anonymous account.

Honestly, I was jealous of Tobes. I used to dream of being a robot when I was little, and pretend that my puberty would flood my veins with metal instead of hormones and prevent me from being seen as anything other than just Riley. 

"Hey, Tobes?” I asked, clutching my whining heart. “What do you know about... gender dysphoria?"

"Gender dysphoria: a feeling that one's body does not match their true gender identity.”

"How do I get rid of it?"

"Treatments for gender dysphoria vary depending on the individual. Gender dysphoria is commonly relieved through hormone replacement therapy, gender-affirming surgery, binding, packing, tucking…"

I sighed and tuned out the rest of the recommendations. I was already binding and it wasn't helping. I tried packing and didn’t like it. I couldn't go on HRT without my dad's permission, let alone get surgery. It was helpless. I was helpless. 

“...and/or through being referred to with the correct pronouns, name, and adjectives by other people.”

I rolled my eyes. I wanted to be referred to as he/him and they/them, but I’d have to come out for that to happen.

"Downloading more information on transgender care.”

My monitor lit up, and the annoying little robot’s search results popped onto the screen. Group therapy options, books, articles, and informational videos all flashed by.

I covered my ears and shut my eyes. “Tobes, stop.”

“Download 70% complete.”

“Argh!” I stood up and tried to unplug Tobes from my computer, but in my distress, I couldn’t pull out the fancy clip thing keeping the USB connected. I instead tried shutting down the device, but even after the screen went dark, Tobes continued to recite the search results out loud.

“Shut up!” I screamed at his face, shaking him until he flashed through the whole rainbow. The colour cycle slowed with my heart rate, then landed on a blue glow.

“Calling Leena,” he said.

“What? Why?! Tobes!”

I jumped back as Leena appeared inside his boxed head, like an image in a crystal ball. I stood there, frozen. Since when was Tobes able to video call people?

"Hey, little sis!" Leena said, tapping the camera. "Can you see me okay?"

"Yep, all good," I said, forcing a smile. "How’s… how’s the lab?”

“Oh, things are great over here. I’m currently on a lunch break, but I’ll be repairing some equipment for the health department in about an hour.”

“Ah. Cool.”

“So? What’s up with you?”

“N-nothing.”

Leena raised an eyebrow. "You okay? You're acting stranger than usual."

“I’m not strange.”

She moved her finger back and forth, as if trying to read an invisible map. “Did you mean to call me, or…?”

I stared at her, still holding Tobes with my arms fully outstretched. I could feel sweat pooling on my forehead as the little robot's advice echoed in my mind.

"Actually, can I talk to you for a second?" I said.

"Of course, little sis! Anything."

My heart fluttered. But not in a good way.

"That's the thing, though. I'm not your sister."

She blinked, then moved her face closer to the camera. "I'm sorry, what now?"

"I'm your brother."

The words left my lips too quickly. I brought my gaze to the ground. When I didn't hear a response, I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the silence.

"Stay right there."

I glanced up just in time to see Leena end the call. I felt panic rising as I sank to the floor and curled up into a ball. Tobes fell out of my hands as my arms went limp.

I couldn't read the emotion in Leena's tone. Was it anger? Concern? Confusion? Whatever it was, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I just wanted to disappear and pretend I hadn't said anything.

In about ten minutes, I heard someone marching up the stairs. I hugged myself as I pressed my back into my bed frame, trying to ground myself. I had to be prepared for whatever Leena was about to say to me.

"Riley?"

I didn't reply. If I tried to speak, I was going to cry.

Leena sat down in front of me. "Riley, please talk to me."

I shook my head.

"You know I love you no matter what, right?" she said, taking one of my hands. "We're in this together. You're my brother, after all."

I met her eyes. I didn't see any of the anger or confusion I expected. There was some concern, but mostly compassion. She didn’t ask any further questions, like how long I’d known or what my pronouns were; she just told me that everything was going to be okay, and the love in her reaction convinced me to believe her words.

Maybe I wasn’t so helpless after all.