Under Threat

Content warning: depressive thoughts and suicidal tendencies

I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. I stared out the window of our house built into the big oak tree, trying to make sense of the weight on my chest. The numbing pressure in my arms and legs pushed me further and further into the sleeping mat every time I tried to sit up.

"Arral," Ewade said, tapping the floor beside my bed. "Get dressed. Sully’s waiting.”

I closed my eyes for a second, then used every bit of strength I had left to roll out from under my covers. Ewade, completely oblivious to how much I was struggling with this simple task, was gone by the time I managed to get onto my feet.

I put on some semi-clean clothes and climbed down the ladder built into the tree’s trunk. There was breakfast by the fire pit that Jules had made, but I didn’t grab any.

“Where’d Sully take the team?” I asked the young cook.

Jules dumped a bucket of water on the last remaining flame. “They’re by the cliff.”

I picked up a sword from the pile by our tree, and ran to join the rest of the Covey. Sully, our warden, had already paired everyone off. Lissana was sparring with Ewade, while Ryker was waiting for me by a boulder.

Ryker smirked as I approached, but I didn't have the energy to match his playfulness. He gave me a questioning look as he got into a ready position, but my eyes had already gone out of focus.

I relied on muscle memory to get me through training. I was knocked down again and again and again and couldn’t feel anything but a growing poison in my lungs. The burning air remained even after Ryker knocked the wind out of me.

"You alright, Arr?" Ryker asked as he offered me his hand. I took it, and he hoisted up my dead weight.

"Fine," I said. I turned and took a few paces away from him so we could go again. Before I could get far enough, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey."

Ryker's voice was low and quiet, as if asking a question. I froze, my body unsure what to do. My heart raced, as if telling me to run, but my feet refused to listen.

I shrugged him off and prepared myself for another round. Ryker's eyebrows furrowed, and he dropped his sword before coming at me again. In one swift motion, he pushed me into the grass and held my arms behind my back.

"I'm not letting you up until you tell me what's wrong."

"What the hell, Ryker!"

"Arral, please—"

"Get off!"

My consciousness cut out. When I opened my eyes again, Ryker was on the ground, I was standing above him, and everyone’s gaze was on me.

“We’re just training,” I growled to the curious eyes. Lissana and Ewade exchanged glances, but then got back to minding their own sword fight.

“Arral,” Ryker said. He returned to standing, his crossed arms demanding an explanation as if they hadn’t just pinned me to the dirt.

I glared at him. “I just need a second.”

I stormed off towards the edge of the cliff. My brain boiled behind my ears, telling me to jump. To just let the wind take me and sweep away the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. That I was worthless. That my teammates hated me. That I was a burden to them, to Sulley, to all branches of the Covey. That deep down in my heart, I was just as evil as the Lindworms, and deserved to be burned alive like the forests we were protecting from them.

I wasn't going to do it. I really wasn't. But I took a step forward anyway, hoping that peering over the edge would trick my brain into feeling something, anything other than what actually existed inside of me, but all it did was stir my restless soul.

"Hey!! Whoa, whoa, whoa—” Ryker yelled. I heard his and the others' footsteps frantically running over to me.

Ryker grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from the cliffside. His callused hands squeezed my elbows as I stumbled into him.

"What were you thinking?" Ewade asked. "You could've fallen off.”

I looked up at him, then back down. I expected a lecture, or some anger from Sully, but instead received a warm embrace from Lissana.

"I know you may not want to talk right now," Lissana whispered. "But we’re here when you're ready."

I grumbled a string of curse words. "I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. ”

"Brains can be crappy sometimes,” Lissana said. “I’ve been there. It’s not fun.”

I exhaled and shook my head. “Okay, I’m good. Let’s get back to training.”

“Nuh, uh,” Ryker said, catching me by the hair. “Not so fast.”

“Ow! What is wrong with you?!”

“Let go of them, Ryker,” Sully ordered. “Your concern is appreciated; your aggression is not.” He then turned to me. “Arral, go back to camp and rest. You’re in no state to be holding a blade.”

Ryker dropped his arm and backed away. I looked around frantically as I tried to turn my heavy breaths into words.

“I can’t just not train,” I said. “There’s an army of Lindworms plotting against us as we speak. We have to be ready—I have to be ready—”

“Arral.” Sully squeezed my shoulder. “The Lindworms are not prepared for battle yet; otherwise, they’d have set the entire forest on fire by now. We still have time, and you are of no use to the Covey if your mind isn’t present. I need you at your best, so you can become your best. Now go back to camp and eat your breakfast.”

“How did you—”

“Go.”

I swallowed, then nodded. I wasn’t sure if he was being kind or strict. But either way, I couldn’t disobey. My foot nudged a stone loose from the dirt on the way back to our tree, and I continued to kick it all the way back to camp. Jules was waiting there, holding a flask of water and a wooden bowl of porridge. I took my breakfast with a mumbly thank you, and sat by the cold fire pit. As I ate alone, I scolded myself for losing control today.

“Mind if we join you?”

I looked up to see Lissana, Ewade, and Ryker standing above me. The three of them each picked a log to sit on.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Sully gave us the day off,” Ryker said, leaning back with a satisfied sigh. “First time in a while.”

I glanced to my left to see Sully pacing in the distance. At first, I thought he was waiting for us to return, but then I saw the sword in his hands. He was practicing, just like the rest of us had been for months. After decades of experience, even he had skills to sharpen.

“I still don’t understand this,” I said, gesturing to my head. Or, rather, what was swirling around inside it. “Why is it important? Why can’t we just focus on what’s real?”

“Hate to break it to you, Arral, but brains are real,” Ewade said. “You may not be able to feel it, or even hold it, but what’s inside that skull of yours is worth taking care of.”